Sunday Edition #3: My Column in Yellow
I met a woman who I have an amazing connection with. We’ve hooked up multiple times and are stuck in what seems to be Friends with Benefits. I keep what we have going in hopes it evolves into some more real but I’m not sure it will. I don’t know what to do.
We all flow through different levels of “emotional availability.” During certain stages of our lives, our hearts are more open and able to receive someone in as a partner. While other times, life has our energy pulled in a different direction. Some examples being career, family, or healing.
If the stars align with our Lover’s current state of availability, it allows us the opportunity to move things forward into deeper commitment and connection. Or, if the alignment is on the other end, both might want it to be left more carefree and uncommitted.
Emotional chaos occurs when we are misaligned with our Lover or if there is a lack of communication as to where each other stands. There is nothing wrong with a “Friends with Benefits” relationship if both honestly agree that is what they want. The problem is we tend to lie and accept a different level of commitment because we are afraid to admit how we truly feel. We are afraid it could result in losing them.
Let us all pause for a moment and reflect on the times we have hidden what we really want simply to hold onto the possibility of “something.” I would be lying if I said I’ve never done this. I’ve actually done it quite often and the end result? I got to continue to spend time with these Lovers but ultimately, I ended up alone and in pain.
Rejection is scary but giving your time and energy blindly to someone hoping they will suddenly start giving it back is even more terrifying. If you are unhappy with the current level of commitment, you need to have the conversation. It is possible they are in a similar place but don’t know how to vocalize it or else you will discover there is a misalignment in what each other wants.
In the past, I would silently wait around praying to the relationship gods that something would shift within my potential partner to change the way they viewed me and our connection. I would ignore all the signals showing me it wasn’t going to work, swearing the struggle was simply part of “fighting for our love.”
Why would anyone need to fight for love if it is something both partners really want?
We all deserve to be loved fully by someone who wants the connection as much as we do. We fool ourselves into believing we are okay with less so we aren’t alone. Ask yourself this: Is continuing to be their “Friend with Benefits,” only benefiting them?
This quote from Jeff Brown sums it up perfectly.
“If they don’t want it, then you don’t want it, because you don’t want to be with someone who isn’t there for it fully.”
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My Life in Yellow is not a licensed psychologist or health care professional and the advice within this column does not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Before making any decision or taking any action, you should consult a health/medical professional. Do not disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking advice or treatment because of something you have read here.