Sunday Edition #8: My Column in Yellow
I have been married for 4 years and I have this feeling in my gut telling me I’ve married the wrong man. I want to keep my family together and make things work because he is a wonderful man. Yet, In my heart or more so my intuition is telling me he’s not the best for me. I don’t always feel like I’m my best or true self around him. I feel as if we have little in common and we just go through the motions since we’ve had children. He makes no time to form a connection on a deeper level and it’s driving me nuts. I reach out and try to express myself countless times about it and nothing seems to stick.
I’m at a crossroads. I think of leaving because I sense myself loving myself more instead of being loved on. I want to make things work for my family and often think maybe I’m sabotaging something good and maybe it’ll get better with kindness and patience. I’m just so confused cause I want to do what’s best for everyone.
We walk down the aisle with good intentions. A plan on how it will work. An image in our minds of growing old together surrounded by family. We are convinced the passion will last because there has never been a greater love than this. Years pass and some of us slowly start waking up wondering why it all feels wrong. Everyday becomes a lie. The problem is you don’t know if you are the one telling the lie or falling for it.
What you do know is… your marriage no longer feels like home.
Relationships ebb and flow. It is impractical to believe things should always be great. However, as time passes and things don’t get better even after making an effort to fix it, leaving feels like the only option.
But, you have children.
Adding them to the mix definitely complicates things but I don’t think it sentences you to remain in an unhappy marriage. I’m not a mother so I can’t speak from experience but I do see parents becoming martyrs for the sake of their children. They choose to stay together believing it is the most healthy decision. This makes me instantly wonder how living in a home with two unhappy parents is healthy. Kids aren’t stupid, they pick up on the tension between parents and the energy in the household. We think they don’t notice, but they do. I’m so happy my parents separated because now I have the most amazing step-father and my mother is finally receiving the Love she has always deserved. I would be heartbroken if she remained unhappy all those years just for me.
Another complicating element is that your husband is a wonderful man. You almost want him to be a jerk so it makes all of this easier. I had a similar situation. My ex husband is a fantastic person and I hated myself for being unhappy while married to him. I would lay in bed silently crying and mentally beating myself up for feeling the way I did. I felt selfish and ungrateful.
If I could go back and change one thing about the end of my marriage, it would be to have better communicated my distress. I thought it was very clear and obvious but I see now it was clear only to me and not my husband. He had no idea I was emotionally drowning and in the end said to me, “I knew you were unhappy but not unhappy enough to leave.” This could very well be the reason why nothing seems to “stick” for your husband.
I’ve read your submission over and over. I couldn’t help but get the feeling you already decided what you want to do but feel guilty about it. There isn’t a right or wrong answer to this. It is how you proceed down the path you choose that makes it good or bad.
You say you want to do what is best for everyone. Don’t you think your children deserve to live in a happy home, your husband deserves to be married to a woman who wants to be with him fully and you deserve to be live a life where you are able to be your best and true self?
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My Life in Yellow is not a licensed psychologist or health care professional and the advice within this column does not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Before making any decision or taking any action, you should consult a health/medical professional. Do not disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking advice or treatment because of something you have read here.