Sunday Edition #14: My Column in Yellow
I recently went out with a guy I met a long time ago, but never had the opportunity to really get to know. We had an amazing evening together. He was kind and affectionate as well as very curious to get to know me. I truly feel we connected on a deeper level and want to continue to spend time with him to explore what we could be. I walked away from our date really believing he wanted the same but now he is slow to respond and absent. I can’t tell if he is busy or uninterested. Do I pursue him and go after what I want or do I let it go?
This is always a confusing and heart wrenching situation. The chemistry is there. You both seem equally interested and attracted to each other. You look into his glacier blue eyes and get excited at the thought of gazing into them again and again and again.
A few silent days pass after the magical moment so you decide to take the initiative by sending out the first text. Excited, you wait for his response… and you wait… and you wait… and you wait.
You begin to realize Happily Ever After isn’t coming as easily as you originally thought.
Let’s forget about gender roles for this discussion. I don’t want to talk about who should chase who and all that crap. I want to instead look at this from the perspective of how each one of us deserves to be treated regardless of gender. So, the question now is whether you stay quiet or grab your bow & arrow to go hunt him down and attempt to drag him back into your life.
I recommend you pause, breath and move on. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting him. It doesn’t mean you hate him. It doesn’t mean you block his number and never look back. It means you keep living your amazing life as the amazing human being you are.
One of two things will happen: You will hear from him or you won’t. If silence is his answer, nothing was lost because you were still out in the world being beautiful the entire time, possibly meeting someone else who is attentive and respectful of your time and energy.
Could it be that he does really like you but is just that busy? Sure... but I personally work 11-12 hour days, go to the gym, write, create art, slap stickers, see friends and family, run errands, and take some “me” time all while trying to get at least 6 hours of sleep... BUT if I like you, none of that will get in my way. I will get on trains for you. I will get less sleep so I can kiss you goodnight a little longer. I will skip a friend hangout (or invite you to come along). I will get home exhausted and still ask you to come over so we can simply lay next to each other.
I will respond to your text messages.
Everyone claims to be “so busy,” but it isn’t a lack of time but really a lack of energy we have and are willing to give to a person, especially someone new. It is much easier to be around those we already know. That’s one reason why we keep going back to our exes. We don’t need to learn who they are because we already know them (or at least we think we do).
We often get attached to the fantasy we create for a person after the first time we meet them. We struggle with the idea of letting it go because we think that if they were to open their eyes and realize, they would also see how amazing you could be together.
If it is completely eating you alive and not texting him is causing you to question your sanity, then speak your truth and send out another message. But when doing so, make sure it is something that clearly requires a response and you are okay with it possibly being your last communication with him if he stays silent.
Moments when you feel yourself gearing up for a chase, stop and think about it. Are you simply putting forth a normal and healthy effort to show someone you are interested? Or, after they don’t reciprocate, are you in reality forcing yourself into their face in an attempt to convince them to want you back?
-- P.S. Everyone needs to stop being jerks and text back. So much heartache and self doubt will be saved by simply saying. “I had a great time but I think our souls are destined for someone else.” --
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My Life in Yellow is not a licensed psychologist or health care professional and the advice within this column does not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Before making any decision or taking any action, you should consult a health/medical professional. Do not disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking advice or treatment because of something you have read here.