Sunday Edition #32: My Column in Yellow

Dear Yellow:

About year ago, I dated a man that I felt a strong connection with from the moment we met. Two months into our relationship we hit a miscommunication that got blown completely out of proportion. We tried to repair it but our egos and past emotional baggage got in the way. I ultimately made the decision to end it. He attempted to reach out a few weeks later but I ignored him. Initially, I was confident in my decision but as the months went by, I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was wrong. I want to reach out to him but I’m afraid. What if he has moved on? What if he ignores me? What if he responds with anger? I don’t know what to do.

The answer to this question is… you reach out to him.

I understand the concerns you raise. Yes, It will totally suck if he is in a new relationship. Yes, silence is torture. Yes, hurtful words… hurt. But, isn’t all of that better than the frustration and regret you’ve experienced for the last year? The regret will follow you until you get your answer on whether or not a connection still exists.

Our pride, stubbornness and ego can destroy great things. I’ve done it myself many times. I’m the queen of “cold turkey.” Once I’m done, you will never hear from me again. I don’t want to be viewed as weak for going back on a decision to walk away. The thought of being insulted or made fun of for reaching back out terrifies me.

I’ve been thinking quite a bit about these silly mind games we play with ourselves. I’m currently reading the book “A Return to Love” by Marianne Williamson. There was a quote from the book that shook me:

“We're hallucinating. And that's what this world is: a mass hallucination, where fear seems more real than love. Fear is an illusion. Our craziness, paranoia, anxiety and trauma are literally all imagined.”

I had a “holy shit” moment. The weight of everything causing me pain lifted (at least briefly). I could breathe again. It applies exactly to your fears of reaching out. No matter what happens, you will still be alive and an amazing person worthy of love. All the anxiety of the negative outcomes don’t exist anywhere other than in your mind.

You are already without him. The worst that will happen is that you will continue to be without him. But, you will have your answer and will be able to finally move on. Or he will feel the same you will have an opportunity to try again.

A quick side discussion on trying again. Unless you show up to the relationship differently, you will fall into the same patterns and will more than likely experience another failed attempt. Have you done the work on yourself to understand how your ego and past pain were at play? Do you know how to better communicate? Are you ready to put your full heart into it?Doing nothing means nothing will happen. Even if the feelings aren’t reciprocated, at least you have what you need to move on.

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DISCLAIMER

My Life in Yellow is not a licensed psychologist or health care professional and the advice within this column does not replace the care of psychologists or other healthcare professionals. Before making any decision or taking any action, you should consult a health/medical professional. Do not disregard professional medical advice or delay seeking advice or treatment because of something you have read here